I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up

I know the Learning Annex isn't exactly Harvard. Usually, it's a lot of classes like "How To Find The Next Hot Areas to Invest" and "Managing Income Property for Profit". There are always the vegetarian cooking classes (hooray!) and the "How To Start Your Own Business" classes too. I have even thought about taking a class on tarot card reading techniques or voice over pointers. I never thought I could get the tools I need to find and keep my man for only $99.95 though! My God, what a bargain!

What do you get for your money? Well, there are three classes designed to instruct poor, lonely women in the best man-finding methods. According to Maryanne, there are many things you need to know before you "drop your drawers". (yes, that's a direct quote.) First you have to Find The Man. They are so elusive aren't they? I can never find one when I need one either. Apparently this involves "creating a powerful vortex for attracting your ideal partnership. Presto! You're entering into the realm of becoming a divine man magnet." Vortex? I'm already worried. I get motion sick so easily.

Then, you have to "Get The Man." Now, if just the thought of speaking to a guy at the grocery store makes your palms sweat, Maryanne has the solution. "Practice, practice, practice 'til you feel like a pro, getting ready for the real-time interviews with men, men and more men!" I know a date is like an interview, but this sounds so...I don't know...fake. I have visions of women role-playing bumping into guys at the mailbox. First you say "hello" and smile. Be sure to make eye contact etc. Blech.

Now, once you have managed to get the guy interested, you have to trap him into a long term relationship and (hopefully!) marriage. "Now that I've found him, how do I make him stay?" If you have to make him do anything, then perhaps we should take a look at your relationship from the beginning. Oh wait, you attracted this guy using manipulative techniques you learned at a Learning Annex class. I forgot. Carry on.

"What you need to know before you drop your drawers counts here the most! This
is the biggest secret of all, and Maryanne Comatoro has the answer to this
billion dollar question! You want to get married or at least have a commitment?
Of course you do! She will show you how. You'll plan top to bottom, the wedding
of your dreams - a ceremony you'll never forget. This is the fun part, and the
most necessary step of all in creating that lasting commitment you have always
wanted - and Maryanne will even introduce you to your beloved! You'll write your
vows and set a date for your Sacred Commitment Ceremony, It's physics, ladies
-it is simply the law of attraction. She will teach you how creating and
cultivating a sustainable climate for a lasting, fulfilling relationship is as
easy as marrying yourself!"

Well, I don't know about you, but that last part is just confusing. Does she mean that by planning my wedding and setting a date, I will ensure that I will meet the perfect man and get married? Am I supposed to walk down the aisle by myself for fun? How does the guest list work for that kind of thing? Do I only have to order half the food and flowers since there is no groom yet? Do I still get to do a registry? And who exactly is she introducing me to?

This all kind of reminds me of those awful quizzes in Cosmo or the articles that promise to tell you the secrets to getting the guy. It's like a real live interactive glossy women's magazine circa 1955. Who needs Glamor, now you can just go to the Learning Annex! I don't know what bugs me more, the assumption that we all need a man to feel like a complete and whole person or the pseudo new-age jargon used to pitch the class. As if all you need to do to attain the lofty heights of "married gal" is to find your inner self. Ugh.

I didn't need any fancy class to get me a man. I just bumped into him on the street one day. He was good at giving shoulder rubs, playing guitar and I just generally liked the look of him. How have I kept him? Well, I used to keep him chained to the radiator, but now I allow him out on his own as long as he wears his radio collar.
That will be $100, please.