Monday, September 25, 2006

I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up

I know the Learning Annex isn't exactly Harvard. Usually, it's a lot of classes like "How To Find The Next Hot Areas to Invest" and "Managing Income Property for Profit". There are always the vegetarian cooking classes (hooray!) and the "How To Start Your Own Business" classes too. I have even thought about taking a class on tarot card reading techniques or voice over pointers. I never thought I could get the tools I need to find and keep my man for only $99.95 though! My God, what a bargain!

What do you get for your money? Well, there are three classes designed to instruct poor, lonely women in the best man-finding methods. According to Maryanne, there are many things you need to know before you "drop your drawers". (yes, that's a direct quote.) First you have to Find The Man. They are so elusive aren't they? I can never find one when I need one either. Apparently this involves "creating a powerful vortex for attracting your ideal partnership. Presto! You're entering into the realm of becoming a divine man magnet." Vortex? I'm already worried. I get motion sick so easily.

Then, you have to "Get The Man." Now, if just the thought of speaking to a guy at the grocery store makes your palms sweat, Maryanne has the solution. "Practice, practice, practice 'til you feel like a pro, getting ready for the real-time interviews with men, men and more men!" I know a date is like an interview, but this sounds so...I don't know...fake. I have visions of women role-playing bumping into guys at the mailbox. First you say "hello" and smile. Be sure to make eye contact etc. Blech.

Now, once you have managed to get the guy interested, you have to trap him into a long term relationship and (hopefully!) marriage. "Now that I've found him, how do I make him stay?" If you have to make him do anything, then perhaps we should take a look at your relationship from the beginning. Oh wait, you attracted this guy using manipulative techniques you learned at a Learning Annex class. I forgot. Carry on.

"What you need to know before you drop your drawers counts here the most! This
is the biggest secret of all, and Maryanne Comatoro has the answer to this
billion dollar question! You want to get married or at least have a commitment?
Of course you do! She will show you how. You'll plan top to bottom, the wedding
of your dreams - a ceremony you'll never forget. This is the fun part, and the
most necessary step of all in creating that lasting commitment you have always
wanted - and Maryanne will even introduce you to your beloved! You'll write your
vows and set a date for your Sacred Commitment Ceremony, It's physics, ladies
-it is simply the law of attraction. She will teach you how creating and
cultivating a sustainable climate for a lasting, fulfilling relationship is as
easy as marrying yourself!"

Well, I don't know about you, but that last part is just confusing. Does she mean that by planning my wedding and setting a date, I will ensure that I will meet the perfect man and get married? Am I supposed to walk down the aisle by myself for fun? How does the guest list work for that kind of thing? Do I only have to order half the food and flowers since there is no groom yet? Do I still get to do a registry? And who exactly is she introducing me to?

This all kind of reminds me of those awful quizzes in Cosmo or the articles that promise to tell you the secrets to getting the guy. It's like a real live interactive glossy women's magazine circa 1955. Who needs Glamor, now you can just go to the Learning Annex! I don't know what bugs me more, the assumption that we all need a man to feel like a complete and whole person or the pseudo new-age jargon used to pitch the class. As if all you need to do to attain the lofty heights of "married gal" is to find your inner self. Ugh.

I didn't need any fancy class to get me a man. I just bumped into him on the street one day. He was good at giving shoulder rubs, playing guitar and I just generally liked the look of him. How have I kept him? Well, I used to keep him chained to the radiator, but now I allow him out on his own as long as he wears his radio collar.
That will be $100, please.


KleoPatra said...

Meesh, i laughed my way through this, and cringed a little too, but your last paragraph... oy.

Thanks for reminding me how ridiculous some things in life truly are. The Learning Annex has reached a new low, but they are not really to blame... they're just puttin' out what peeps "want," and oh, does that sadden me.

LOVE this post. Brill, Meesh, absolutely brill.

marz said...

OMG - wasn't there a sex in the City episode where Carrie teaches a class like this at The learning Annex in NY? And another episode where she and ..the prissy one - can't rememeber her name right now - go to a class like that too?

Life imitating art... And I bet they have full enrollment in the course.

Great post, I especially love the last paragraph. LOL

Cherry Red said...

OMG! Meesh, you're so funny. Great topic, as always.

Seriously, though, the thing that makes me so angry about this is you know they'd never offer these clsses to men. "How to find/get/keep a woman." Why are women always viewed as incomplete without men?

This from a woman married 14 years next month. I do love being married, but I don't think I'd be less of a person or my life would have less meaning if I wasn't.

What a rediculous class,

trac said...

Hmmmmm....I don't know really what to say about all this. How offensive this is to both women *and* men. So often, women are treated as commodities in our society and are objectified but this is just doing the same to men. As if they are just objects for us to manage, and manipulate.

Gaia said...

I just wrote you a comment and it would not publish... so here is a short version of what I said :

I love your post !!

Lora_3 said...

But when I kissed a cop at 34th and Vine,
He broke my little bottle of,
Love potion No. #9”

The magazine is selling Love potion No.#9 isn’t it. We all want to be loved and we all see single people as lonely. I even know men that pay for a blind date service so they can meet women.

Writing assignment: write a post about little girl Halloween costumes. I’d like to see what you come up with.

Be safe…

bazu said...

Hey, I just found your blog, and it is really interesting.
I can't believe that class is for real! Then again, yes I can. I wonder how we can stop young girls from growing up with the internalized rule that they are not complete until they "get a man." Thanks for an insightful post.

Anonymous said...

This is really funny and sick at the same time. I would have been very skeptical and thought this was a total joke had you not scanned in the actual pages. Unfortunately, I was flipping through the channels this afternoon as I was sewing and I came upon Dr. Phil and he was talking about scams. So, I thought I'd give it a listen. Well, basically, for the 15 minutes I watched it, he had 2 women on there who talked about how they had been scammed by men. The men were Nigerian and it was so obvious that these men were scamming them but these women were so desperate for love and affection and attention that they just couldn't see it and didn't want to believe it when their family and friends tried to tell them. So, yeah, after seeing that today, I do believe that that class will be filled with women just like the two on Dr. Phil. It's very sad and disturbing on so many levels.