Oh boy. Here we go.
There is a big thing happening in my life this afternoon. My b/f's eight year old daughter is coming to town with her mom for a visit. I am a ball of conflicted emotions. On one hand I love that he is head over heels for his little girl. It is incredibly sweet and it reminds me why I fell in love with this guy in the first place. Any man who loves his kids that much has to be all right. I mean, come on, is there anything cuter than a grown man who is gaga over his little girl? Awwww.
Unfortunately all this father/daughter business just gets me thinking about my dad and our weird non-relationship. We talk a lot more these days, which is good. I just never have felt that close to my dad. I was very angry with him for a lot of years. ( I don't think he actually noticed, though) My dad isn't a bad guy at all. He's just..I don't know....just my dad. I've accepted that he's not going to change. People rarely do and it's silly to expect them to. That way lies madness. And ulcers. And lots of fights.
So, here's my b/f about to spend the week with his daughter who he is crazy about and I'm feelin' the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head. Not only am I jealous of the time, love and devotion he's going to be lavishing on her, I'm pissed that I can't get the same from my dad. Or from him for that matter. Silly isn't it?
It's amazing how parent issues follow us our whole lives. We can try to convince ourselves that we're grown-ups now, that what our parents did to us doesn't matter anymore. I certainly believe that I am responsible for my own life at this point. I can't blame my mom or dad for what my life is or is not today. You have to let that stuff go at some point. But, damn, it's hard! There is still an eight year old girl in here that just wants someone's approval. There's a ten year old that wants Daddy to take her fishing again and there is a sixteen year old that wants him to patch it up with Mom and come back home.
I've heard it said that childhood is not the best time in our lives, it's the time we spend the rest of our lives recovering from. Can I get an 'Amen', people?
I'm going to go home tonight and meet this kid. I'll put on a nice smile and try not to think about all the stuff I never did with my dad. I'll remind myself that my b/f is my b/f and NOT my father. Maybe she'll want to watch one of my muppett movies or let me paint her fingernails purple (her mom will just love that, I'm sure). Maybe we'll all go get dinner one night while she's here and I'll decide she's a great little kid and miss her when she leaves. And maybe one of these days, I'll stop wishing that things had been different when I was a kid and get on with it.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Oh boy. Here we go.